I was outside the bar with the keys to my car
Ready jangling ‘round in my hand
I was struck by the sight of a woman in white
With a smile that could light up the land

Then she said, “Come inside, there’s a place you can hide
You can leave all your worries behind
We can banish away all your cares of the day
Yes, and all for the price of a pint”

I was wise, I declined, threw temptation aside
“It’s the drink of the Devil” I said
But those glittering eyes, to my utter surprise
Drove away all my reason instead

As she said, “Come inside, there’s a place you can hide
You can leave all your worries behind
We can banish away all your cares of the day
Yes, and all for the price of a pint”

Well, she might…

So I sat at the bar and she poured me a jar
Of an ale most peculiarly named
And surrounded by ten (more like monkeys than men)
She kept pouring the same thing again

And they told me her name, it was “Mastercard May”
And we sat there and drank in the sight
Of her bottle-blonde hair and complexion so fair
And the evening turned into the night

…one more pint…

She was only nineteen and already a queen
With the innocent face of a child
She was peaches and cream and packed into her jeans
She was slender and tender and wild

And despite of the din and the state I was in
I was pleasantly out of my tree
When the time came to go to our houses and homes
I was somehow the last one to leave

Then she said, “Come upstairs, there’s something we can share
I don’t want to be lonely tonight
You can stop, you can stay and together we’ll lay
And I’ll show you the time of your life”

So, I took her upstairs and she let down her hair
And she gave me her bed for the night
She was skilled and assured and as good as her word
And the night-time turned into the light

As she said, “Come inside, there’s a place you can hide
You can leave all your worries behind
I can banish away all your cares of the day
Yes, and all for the price of a pint”

But she lied…

Then she slept, open wide so I slipped from her side
As the morning light came into view
Had a fabulous time, put her out of my mind
‘til my credit card statement was due

When my wife said to me, “What’s this entry I see?”
And I tried to deny it in vain
She’d deducted a fee for what she did with me
And that’s how she got given the name, “Mastercard May”

So, my friends, if you’re wise, watch those hooks, watch those eyes
Yes, and watch out for “Mastercard May”
She charged five hundred quid for the things that we did
Still, I’d do them all over again
With “Mastercard May”
  
Now my wife says to me, “Why don’t I try to be
Like the girl you call “Mastercard May”?”
And she tries, bless her heart but she’s not quite that smart
And it’s somehow just not quite the same
As “Mastercard May”

So my steps I retrace to that glittering place
Where the drinks flow like water again
And I pay my respects to that queen of her sex
The incomparable “Mastercard May”

And although I can’t see just what she sees in me
Still, she always remembers my name
And my card number, too and what I like to do
To the mistress called “Mastercard May”